I walked home from school. Blue sky. Wind that feels nice on my skin.

Every few steps I touched something that was next to me. A flower, a fence, a tree, a car. The walking and touching helped me rest my mind.

Next to the store I saw few guys from class. They were standing near their bicycles, speaking loudly. I nodded, feeling jealous for not being there, invited, speaking loud and enjoining it. Wanting to be there and not be there at the same time.

When I arrived home I saw my neighbor. She was my age. She had beautiful eyes. We had eye contact many times. But hardly talked. I felt energized after communicating with her with my eyes but I did not know if she felt the same.

The more we exchanged looks without talking, the harder was to just start and talk. How do you start a small talk with all this history.

She came close and asked if I wanted to hang out. I have no idea why she did it. And I have no idea why I said “Yes”.

We walked together slowly. No one really led this walk. She did most of the talking. And we had beautiful silent moments. I felt warm when I looked deep in her eyes.

I ignored her for the next two weeks. She tried to reach out at first and then just gave up. After the first time I avoided her, it became impossible for me to reach out or stop avoiding.

Maybe I was afraid she will know I avoided her, maybe I was afraid to get hurt. Maybe I was afraid she will know I liked her. Maybe I was afraid she will know I didn’t really know what to do. Maybe I was not sure why would someone like me. And if she liked me then maybe she is not so classy.

I was afraid.

Wanting to be there and not be there at the same time.