Returned to my all time melancholic playlist, Linkin Park acoustic live songs.
I spent countless hours with those songs. Soaking in the sensitivity and sadness, of the songs and mine. It’s been a long time since I dove into this playlist.
It so easy to go down.
50% of the time working on not going down.
40% being somewhat down or scared.
10% not down.
Not down is being not heavy. The chest is not hurting. You don’t want to run. You just Are. I’m just Am. That’s it.
50/40/10. That’s what I have.
Do you have thoughts or emotions that exist only in your head? that you don’t share with a person or write them down?
I assume you do.
Imagine each person had a score, a metric, that is known to his close circles, maybe even beyond that.
This metric would be – what is the variance, the difference, on average, between your external and internal.
You could add to which direction – negative or positive.
For example – a person that has positive thoughts but does not share them – will have high positive variance.
If a person has a negative variance – you should pay attention how are they doing, because words will not say it.
Applications? many
I’ve drafted a goodbye note from the company I’ve worked at for many years. It’s emotional to leave after such a long time, but it feels almost impossible for me to authentically write a social media post about it. Whenever I read other goodbye notes, they all seem to sound the same, and honestly, half of them probably aren’t genuine.
The second issue is that for someone to truly connect to how I feel, they’d have to read carefully, pay real attention, and even then, if they don’t know me well, I’m not sure they’d relate.
And now, with so many people using AI, it’s even harder to tell what’s real. After several drafts, I ended up choosing something quick and dry, just the facts. Maybe even that’s too much.
Perhaps the only real way to convey how I feel is through actual human-to-human interaction.
I used to believe I had a good sense for people’s energy—so much that I could feel it in my body. When it happened, my own energy would shift in response. Over time, though, I sensed too much negativity, and that sensitivity became a burden. Truthfully, it always was—draining me.
After so much negative energy, two things happened:
1. I began avoiding people, even new ones, assuming they would drain me too. And of course, I stayed away from those who had already done so.
2. I tried to shut this sense down, to go numb.
Both are bad outcomes.
Today, I met someone whose eyes, smile, and quiet energy filled me. It made me want to know more, to look deeper into their eyes and take in that energy. It wasn’t explosive, not something that took up all the air around us—just gently positive. So rare.
I wish that kind of positive energy surrounded us more often. I miss it. Today was such a pleasant reminder.
Walking down the street, I look at the people around me. They don’t look the same as they did twenty years ago. They feel less familiar. More serious. More angry. It’s as if they’re sleeping less, as if their minds can’t find any quiet. Those who talk, talk louder. Some stare at endless videos on their phones, right there in public, ignoring everyone nearby. A few finish a smoke or a snack and just throw it on the ground.
And yet—sometimes, one out of many offers kindness. A smile.
I hope I meet them today. I hope they’ll still be here tomorrow.
When sad or angry, it takes around one day to recover. I’m talking about the normal course of living’s sad or angry. During this day, almost nothing can change this feeling. And this fact only makes it harder. It’s a sure thing that I’ll be angry at myself and that things will be on the negative side of things. Probably it will include being more edgy with other people.
The one’s that will suffer the most are the closest.
Myself on top of the list. Then close family members etc.
The nerves are more exposed. Noise is heard louder. A mess is seen faster.
The initial thought is how can I speed up and end this day. Tomorrow it will feel different.
Yesterday was such a day. Today is a bit better.
Nothing helped yesterday. And I don’t think I tried hard enough.
I do want to put an effort here to be positive and constructive. So here goes a try of new things to try:
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