I don’t smile enough

March 12, 2018July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

I can’t fake smiles. When I see someone I don’t want to smile at, or when I’m not in a good mood, I don’t smile.

I think my smile doesn’t look that good but this is probably an excuse I made.

My mask is not that good. I read a book about a king that had masks on all the time. And he was sad. He found happiness only when started being real. But I need a mask.

I feel that every feeling I feel is immediately reflected out. Happy, tired, angry, sad. I envy people with masks.

Sometimes I force myself to smile to people. “Smile and the world will smile back at you :)”. Right? Well not always. When the other person is not smiling back I feel sad. If she smiled back it makes me happy. For 10 seconds. Happiness is seconds. Sadness is days.

People are expecting to see smiles. What about authenticity? Maybe if I’d just be me it will be accepted and respected?

I am

March 12, 2018July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

I think and think. And absorb. I don’t talk that much.

I am trying to decide what to do and with whom.

How to create interfaces with people. How to not offend or be offended.

How to be happy and help and create.

And rest, and stare and not be guided by fear.

How to decide what to do and how to act.

To consider and hear others thoughts but not let it shift me from my way.

To what degree to be loyal to intuition. How much to listen to social conventions.

How to reduce judgments and shallowness. In me and in others.

To consume but not much so it will define you.

How to set my path.

My gut

March 12, 2018January 18, 2023 / jonathan / Leave a comment

“There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing” (Linkin Park, Crawling)

I had a few days with some stress in my gut. I heard a lot of music that felt good. But the solution, which is for sure temporary, was:

Time [too much time]
Few conversations [not too much]
Sleep, alone and idle time

Music, few hugs and happy family moments were an amazing distraction. But just a distraction. Same goes to working out, which usually does the work. But not this time.

Why some things that happen stay with me for so long? I know it’s an irrelevant question although it keeps coming back in my head. Why?

When it’s better, it’s fun. I think most people feel this “fun” most of the time. “Fun” of just not feeling the gut, not thinking on the few open annoying action items I’m running from. Fun that you can find yourself just smiling.

It’s not just the feeling. It’s also a need for control, to not compromise, to set the rhythm, to maintain the values. I guess it’s time to take control. And face the fear.

Let’s change meetings

January 23, 2018July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

In an aggressive environment there’s an aggressive equilibrium.

I feel uncomfortable because some of the participants cannot voice their ideas. My sympathy is immediately with the one that cannot or would not be part of this equilibrium.

I feel uncomfortable because I want to make sure I listen to others and respond in a constructive way. Sometimes I am drawn to the aggressive equilibrium. I might regret my style afterwards.

While I want to be part of the solution, many times I choose to avoid these situations.

Being strong is not being aggressive. It’s standing for what you think is right.

Change the aggressive equilibrium.

I returned home. Tired.

March 1, 2017July 25, 2019 / jonathan

It’s really fun to return home after school. And then it’s really hard to go out. My friends go out almost everyday to meet friends, learn, practice, participate.

I used to think it was something with the house. It’s too cold or hot. Too much or lack of light. The stairs are too high.

When this feeling stayed while I changed homes, I started thinking it was me. Now I know it is me.

Mom knows really well. She’s a super hero. She takes care of everything. She’s made out of soft and strong materials powered by huge battery which is her heart.

Sometimes I’m sad. In some cases I think I know why but in other I am not sure. This sadness is physical, in the stomach. When I try to not be sad I get angry at myself. I learned to be with the sadness so I get angry less but I still feel it in the stomach. Mom’s hug and voice reduce this pain.

When Mom helps me go out after school I don’t want to and get angry. And then I go out and do out of home stuff. We don’t need to go out everyday. We need to not go out everyday.

Almost always I am happy I went out. And I get tired.

Imagine we had a spaceship

February 17, 2017July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

It will have many screens and computers. Some are connected to cameras and satellites so I can see what is happening around me and around the globe.

Traveling between continents will be in seconds. With no lines and crowded places.

Movies and music will be selected by my brain waves. If my vibe requires uplifting or some escape, or if my vibe wants to unleash an emotion or to release some adrenaline or even to learn something new.

There is also a small kitchen that creates vegetables and fruits and shakes. The kitchen is also connected to brain waves.

In fact, there is a central brain to this spaceship that takes all my signals and translates it to music, movies, activity, food and energy level.

And when the spaceship needs to recharge it will turn invisible and park in a station of really good energy. In order to fuel all you need is to be real with one of your friends, or overcome an obstacle, or just say I need to rest.

Maybe everyone will communicate via brain and heart waves. What will it be if everything will be transparent? Will we be happier? will we be closer to our passions?