My gut

March 12, 2018January 18, 2023 / jonathan / Leave a comment

“There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing” (Linkin Park, Crawling)

I had a few days with some stress in my gut. I heard a lot of music that felt good. But the solution, which is for sure temporary, was:

Time [too much time]
Few conversations [not too much]
Sleep, alone and idle time

Music, few hugs and happy family moments were an amazing distraction. But just a distraction. Same goes to working out, which usually does the work. But not this time.

Why some things that happen stay with me for so long? I know it’s an irrelevant question although it keeps coming back in my head. Why?

When it’s better, it’s fun. I think most people feel this “fun” most of the time. “Fun” of just not feeling the gut, not thinking on the few open annoying action items I’m running from. Fun that you can find yourself just smiling.

It’s not just the feeling. It’s also a need for control, to not compromise, to set the rhythm, to maintain the values. I guess it’s time to take control. And face the fear.

Let’s change meetings

January 23, 2018July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

In an aggressive environment there’s an aggressive equilibrium.

I feel uncomfortable because some of the participants cannot voice their ideas. My sympathy is immediately with the one that cannot or would not be part of this equilibrium.

I feel uncomfortable because I want to make sure I listen to others and respond in a constructive way. Sometimes I am drawn to the aggressive equilibrium. I might regret my style afterwards.

While I want to be part of the solution, many times I choose to avoid these situations.

Being strong is not being aggressive. It’s standing for what you think is right.

Change the aggressive equilibrium.

I returned home. Tired.

March 1, 2017July 25, 2019 / jonathan

It’s really fun to return home after school. And then it’s really hard to go out. My friends go out almost everyday to meet friends, learn, practice, participate.

I used to think it was something with the house. It’s too cold or hot. Too much or lack of light. The stairs are too high.

When this feeling stayed while I changed homes, I started thinking it was me. Now I know it is me.

Mom knows really well. She’s a super hero. She takes care of everything. She’s made out of soft and strong materials powered by huge battery which is her heart.

Sometimes I’m sad. In some cases I think I know why but in other I am not sure. This sadness is physical, in the stomach. When I try to not be sad I get angry at myself. I learned to be with the sadness so I get angry less but I still feel it in the stomach. Mom’s hug and voice reduce this pain.

When Mom helps me go out after school I don’t want to and get angry. And then I go out and do out of home stuff. We don’t need to go out everyday. We need to not go out everyday.

Almost always I am happy I went out. And I get tired.

Imagine we had a spaceship

February 17, 2017July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

It will have many screens and computers. Some are connected to cameras and satellites so I can see what is happening around me and around the globe.

Traveling between continents will be in seconds. With no lines and crowded places.

Movies and music will be selected by my brain waves. If my vibe requires uplifting or some escape, or if my vibe wants to unleash an emotion or to release some adrenaline or even to learn something new.

There is also a small kitchen that creates vegetables and fruits and shakes. The kitchen is also connected to brain waves.

In fact, there is a central brain to this spaceship that takes all my signals and translates it to music, movies, activity, food and energy level.

And when the spaceship needs to recharge it will turn invisible and park in a station of really good energy. In order to fuel all you need is to be real with one of your friends, or overcome an obstacle, or just say I need to rest.

Maybe everyone will communicate via brain and heart waves. What will it be if everything will be transparent? Will we be happier? will we be closer to our passions?

I went to eat outside

December 26, 2016July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

I went alone. I sat in a nice place.

There was this smell coming from the kitchen that I didn’t like but other than that it was nice. quiet. I don’t know why food is being made by strangers touching stuff with their hands, and go out for a smoke. It should be made by robots that get their power from being clean. The cleaner they are, the fuller the battery is.

The owner asked me if I liked the seat I had. She said there are people with special needs in the table next to me. I saw she was a bit uncomfortable.

I told her it’s very nice they come here and that she welcomes them. My eyes were a bit moist. She smiled and sat next to me. She said they come every two weeks and order pizza. And it was a cafe, not a pizza place. I said they look happy. They probably feel just like everybody else sitting and ordering food. and not in a need for special stuff.

It was nice to let something touch me. Many times I try to block it.

Cost of being aware

December 25, 2016July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

I read somewhere that mental strength is like a muscle. And the mind also.

Since I started to be more aware of my and others feelings, I have more tools to cope. But I also feel weaker.

Some guys are saying it is better to not know stuff and just be. Being aware can conflict with being.

I see it on little kids. They are. They are all in. They are not considering the meaning of everything. And I think they are much stronger mentally than you’d think.

I also see it on myself. I was stronger.

Being more aware must come with some sort of getting mentally stronger.