I don’t smile enough

March 12, 2018July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

I can’t fake smiles. When I see someone I don’t want to smile at, or when I’m not in a good mood, I don’t smile.

I think my smile doesn’t look that good but this is probably an excuse I made.

My mask is not that good. I read a book about a king that had masks on all the time. And he was sad. He found happiness only when started being real. But I need a mask.

I feel that every feeling I feel is immediately reflected out. Happy, tired, angry, sad. I envy people with masks.

Sometimes I force myself to smile to people. “Smile and the world will smile back at you :)”. Right? Well not always. When the other person is not smiling back I feel sad. If she smiled back it makes me happy. For 10 seconds. Happiness is seconds. Sadness is days.

People are expecting to see smiles. What about authenticity? Maybe if I’d just be me it will be accepted and respected?

I returned home. Tired.

March 1, 2017July 25, 2019 / jonathan

It’s really fun to return home after school. And then it’s really hard to go out. My friends go out almost everyday to meet friends, learn, practice, participate.

I used to think it was something with the house. It’s too cold or hot. Too much or lack of light. The stairs are too high.

When this feeling stayed while I changed homes, I started thinking it was me. Now I know it is me.

Mom knows really well. She’s a super hero. She takes care of everything. She’s made out of soft and strong materials powered by huge battery which is her heart.

Sometimes I’m sad. In some cases I think I know why but in other I am not sure. This sadness is physical, in the stomach. When I try to not be sad I get angry at myself. I learned to be with the sadness so I get angry less but I still feel it in the stomach. Mom’s hug and voice reduce this pain.

When Mom helps me go out after school I don’t want to and get angry. And then I go out and do out of home stuff. We don’t need to go out everyday. We need to not go out everyday.

Almost always I am happy I went out. And I get tired.

I went to eat outside

December 26, 2016July 25, 2019 / jonathan / Leave a comment

I went alone. I sat in a nice place.

There was this smell coming from the kitchen that I didn’t like but other than that it was nice. quiet. I don’t know why food is being made by strangers touching stuff with their hands, and go out for a smoke. It should be made by robots that get their power from being clean. The cleaner they are, the fuller the battery is.

The owner asked me if I liked the seat I had. She said there are people with special needs in the table next to me. I saw she was a bit uncomfortable.

I told her it’s very nice they come here and that she welcomes them. My eyes were a bit moist. She smiled and sat next to me. She said they come every two weeks and order pizza. And it was a cafe, not a pizza place. I said they look happy. They probably feel just like everybody else sitting and ordering food. and not in a need for special stuff.

It was nice to let something touch me. Many times I try to block it.